Pride and Prejudice - a Parody
by Mena In The Garden
Summary: Pride and Prejudice for the person who is too busy to read the novel or watch the films. Humor.


Pride and Prejudice

(a shortened script of the A&E production)

By Mena Dando

Mrs. Bennet

Woe is me! My multitude of daughters need husbands! We must attend a ball so they can meet some eligible bachelors!

_(Everyone goes to the ball, where they all meet eligible bachelors.)_

Mr. Darcy

This is so boring and the women are dull. I shall stand here next to this fireplace and brood.

Mr. Bingley

Jane Bennet's pretty cute. I think I'm falling in love with her, and I'm sure you disapprove.

Mr. Darcy

I disapprove.

_(Elizabeth/Lizzie and Jane overhear Mr. Darcy calling them dull.)_

Lizzie

Mr. Darcy is quite hot, but he called me dull.

Jane

True, but Mr. Bingley is also hot and he seems to be falling in love with me.

Lizzie

Look over there at our younger sister Lydia making a fool of herself.

Lydia

Heeee heee heeee heeee heee!

Mr. Darcy

Lizzie would you dance with me?

Lizzie

No, I won't.

Mr. Wickham

Lizzie will you dance with me?

Lizzie

Sure!

_(They dance and Mr. Darcy broods.)_

Mr. Bingley (to Jane)

I love you.

Jane

I love you, too.

Mr. Bingley

I think Mr. Darcy is going to screw things up for us.

Jane

Me, too. He is plotting our unhappiness right now.

Mr Wickham (to Lizzie)

That Mr. Darcy is a cad.

Lizzie

He's no friend of mine, slander him as you like.

Mr. Wickham

I have a crush on you.

Lizzie

That's nice.

Mr. Bingley (to Jane)

Come hang out at my house at Netherfield where you can get sick and stay a while, giving Lizzie a chance to get to know Mr. Darcy better and realize he's not really a cad.

Jane

If I must.

Mr. Bingley

You must

_(At Netherfield, Jane falls ill.)_

Mr. Darcy

I'm really not all bad.

Lizzie

Save it.

_(Jane recovers and her cousin Mr. Collins arrives.)_

Mr. Collins

Will you marry me, Jane?

Jane

No, I'm spoken for.

Mr. Collins

Will you marry me, Lizzie?

Lizzie

You disgust me.

Mr. Collins

Yes, that's a common reaction to my proposals, but will you marry me anyway?

Lizzie

No. Do go away.

Mr. Bingley

Party at my house! Everyone's invited!

_(They all go to the party.)_

Lizzie

I wanted to dance with Mr. Wickham, but he's not here so I shall have to dance with Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy, though I loathe them both.

Mr. Collins

Will you marry me?

Lizzie

Maybe Miss Lucas will.

_(Mr. Collins goes to the Lucas house to pester Miss Lucas)_

THREE DAYS LATER

_(Lizzie visits Miss Lucas)_

Miss Lucas

I'm marrying Mr. Collins, even though he's really gross and I don't love him.

Lizzie

Ew.

_(Lizzie goes for a walk in Meryton and meets Wickham again.)_

Lizzie

Why weren't you at the ball?

Wickham

To add conflict to the plot.

_(Everyone at Netherfield moves to London.)_

Jane

Where did Mr. Bingley go?

CHRISTMAS – A Party

Lizzie

Do we ever do anything besides go to parties?

Jane

Leave me alone. I'm depressed and shall stay that way for quite some time.

Mr. Wickham

I like you a lot, Lizzie

Lizzie

I like you a lot, too.

_(Spring comes and Mr. Wickham is now going out with Miss King, a wealthy girl.)_

Lizzie

I guess he didn't like me all that much after all. No matter. I think I'm falling for Mr. Darcy.

_(Lizzie visits Miss Lucas, and they are invited to dinner with __Lady Catherine De Bourgh, an old snoot and Mr. Darcy's Aunt.)_

Mr. Darcy

I've arrived for a visit!

Lizzie

What the?

Mr. Darcy

I have brought my cousin Fitzwilliam

Lizzie

He seems a nice chap.

Mr. Darcy

I am jealous of the attention to pay to my cousin, but I don't want you to know that right now so I shall continue brooding.

_(Later, Lizzie and Fitzwilliam take a walk and talk.)_

Fitzwilliam

Mr. Bingley left and broke Jane's heart because of Mr. Darcy, you know.

Lizzie

That bastard! I hate/love him even MORE now!

_(Lizzie goes home and reads letters. Mr. Darcy arrives.)_

Mr. Darcy

I love you, I adore you; will you marry me?

Lizzie

You're kidding, right?

Mr. Darcy

Be that way. I will write you a letter explaining everything, and then you will accept me.

_(Mr. Darcy leaves and goes home to write a letter. Lizzie reads it and finds that Mr. Darcy had a good reason to keep Mr. Wickham and Jane apart. By this time, Lydia has run off with Mr. Wickham, and Mr. Darcy exposes Mr. Wickham as the ultimate cad.)_

Lizzie

Wow, was I wrong!

_(Jane arrives home)_

Jane  
I'm back, but don't expect much. I'm still depressed.

SUMMER

Lizzie

I have been invited to visit Aunt and Uncle Gardiner and tour Pemberley! They have assured me that Mr. Darcy is not at home.

Mr. Darcy

I'm having a nice, gratuitous swim before heading back to the house to shock and frighten Lizzie. Everyone watch as I dive into the water!

_(He dives and swims, then gets out.)_

Mr. Darcy

I look extra sexy when I'm dripping wet.

_(Mr. Darcy shocks everyone when he arrives at Pemberley looking dead sexy and dripping wet. He rushes inside and puts on some proper attire, then returns.)_

Mr. Darcy

Won't you all join up with the rest of the cast so we can put our troubles behind us?

Everyone

OK

_(They all get together for yet another party. When Lizzie leaves, Mr. Darcy's relations criticize her, but he tells them where to stick it.)_

Lizzie

Oh, my. I have just received a letter from Jane telling me that Mr. Wickham probably won't marry Lydia and we will all fall into disgrace!

Mr. Darcy

I'll take care of that.

_(Mr. Darcy finds Lydia and Wickham.)_

Mr. Darcy

Marry Lydia or I will have you shot.

Mr. Wickham

Since you put it that way.

(_Lydia and Mr. Wickham are married. Upon Lydia's return home, she is a perfect snot to everyone.)_

Lydia

I get to go into the house first because I'm a married woman, hee hee hee hee hee. Don't you all wish you were married, too? But you're not. Hee heee hee hee.

Mr. Bingley

I have returned to propose to Jane, now that the plot allows.

Jane

I accept!

_(Meanwhile, Darcy's Aunt hears that Lizzie is going to marry him and comes out to demand that she leave him be.)_

Lady Catherine

Don't marry Mr. Darcy.

Lizzie

What is it your business, you old snot?

Lady Catherine

Well I never!

Lizzie

Well maybe you should.

_(Lady Catherine leaves in a huff. A few days later, Mr. Darcy returns.)_

Mr. Darcy

I love you, Lizzie. NOW will you marry me?

Lizzie

That would be cool.

Jane

Let's have a double wedding!

Mr. Bingley

Hurrah!

All

Hurrah!

THE END


End file.
